another one....

  • I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

    After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

    Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
    ____________________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ____________________________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

    forgot?

    _____________________________________


    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

    morning?

    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS: My name is Susan!

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in

    voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different

    attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Now, whose death do you suppose terminated it?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Guess.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on

    dead people?

    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you

    like to rephrase that?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

    What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table,

    wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________________

    --- And the best for last: ---

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for

    a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

    began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

    nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

    practicing law.

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