Aussie-Humor!

    Diese Seite verwendet Cookies. Durch die Nutzung unserer Seite erklären Sie sich damit einverstanden, dass wir Cookies setzen. Weitere Informationen

    • Two blonde girls in the Simpson

      Hallo Leute, ich habe auch noch einen:

      Two blonde sheilas are travelling the Simpson Desert. Right in the middle of it they are sitting near to their campfire, above them the moon is shining.
      Asks the first blonde: "Hey Luv, what you think is further from here, London or the moon?"
      Says the second: "HELLO?! Can you see LONDON from here?!"

      Cheers,

      Juergen

      Where the bloody hell am I? :baby:

      36 bloody days until Talawana Track, Rudall River NP, Windy Corner, Sandy Blight Junction Road and TimTams! :) 8) :)
    • RE: Two blonde girls in the Simpson

      auch ganz lustig :

      A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3
      Survivors from Tasmania: Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

      They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a
      couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

      After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt
      absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

      She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed
      herself.

      It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and,
      after while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

      Well, a couple weeks went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.



      So they buried Deirdre.



      lg freomax
    • A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
      She heard the train stop and her son saying:"All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all off you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we´re going down the tracks".
      The horrified mother went in and told her son:"We don´t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with train, but I want you to use nice language."
      Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
      Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say."All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
      She hears the little boy continue:"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
      As the mother began to smile, the child added:"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."



      Unsere Regeln


      Ich bin für das verantwortlich was ich sage - nicht für das was Du verstehst.
    • Halteverbotsschild, Coober Pedy Style :D
      Dateien
      • 09__8A.jpg

        (119,33 kB, 563 mal heruntergeladen, zuletzt: )
      LIFT UM FOOT - PUTTUM BACK DOWN
    • On his way home a father suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"
      The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?
      We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."
      The amazed father asks: "It 's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
      The salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends."

      Cheers,

      Juergen

      Where the bloody hell am I? :baby:

      21 bloody days until Talawana Track, Rudall River NP, Windy Corner, Sandy Blight Junction Road and TimTams! :) 8) :)
    • Interesting Health Fact

      Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects
      the eyeball to the anus?

      It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
      people a shitty outlook on life.

      If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see
      if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes

      Dieser Beitrag wurde bereits 1 mal editiert, zuletzt von freomax ()

    • There was a Chinaman, Englishman, American and an Australian arguing about who has the best country.

      The Chinaman started: "China is the best country in the world, because we have the Great Wall."

      The Englishman said: "Sorry chaps, but England is the best country because we have the finest green grass in the whole world."

      Then the American: "You guys got it all wrong! The US of A is the best 'cos we've got the American flag!"

      The Aussie: " Yeah well we've got the kangaroo."

      "What's so special about that?", they asked.

      "Well, he can jump over your wall, sh*t on your grass, and then wipe his @ss on your flag!"
    • Hab' noch einen...

      Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
      He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my
      porridge?' he squeaks.

      Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

      Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

      'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

      'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

      'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!'
    • OK, OK, keine speziellen Aussiewitze aber ich find's trotzdem lustig.


      Retired Person's Perspectives



      1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

      2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

      3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.

      4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

      5. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

      6. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.


      7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

      8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

      9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

      Old age is not as bad as I thought. It's a good feeling when you just don't give a hoot anymore and you feel happy just to wake up in the morning.
    • Geht schon in Richtung Australien:

      A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life
      by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself
      from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

      "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are
      off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care
      of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

      With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to
      go to Australia, the woman accepted.

      That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but
      comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would
      bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her
      until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a
      routine inspection.

      "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

      "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings
      me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

      "I see," the captain says.

      Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing
      me."

      "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
    • During his physical, the doctor asked the patient
      About his daily activity level
      He described a typical day this way:
      “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,
      Drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
      Jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake,
      Marched up and down several rocky hills,
      Stood in a patch of poison ivy, Crawled out of quicksand
      And took four leaks behind big trees.”
      Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”
      ”NAH,”[b] he replied, “I'm just a crappy golfer.”[/b]
    • Where are your Glasses ??

      I love this one!!!! I would never be able to think of a reply like this!!

      [img]cid:image002.jpg@01D22D53.E4BC8020[/img]
      Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
      “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
      Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
      She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
      I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
      I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
      She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
      I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
      She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!
      This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
      "Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
      The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
      Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
      ----------------------------------------------------------------
      Wer deutsche Verhältnisse will, muss in Deutschland bleiben!