Aussie-Humor!

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    • Next Stimulus payment, Do you think?


      Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
      This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

      Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
      A. It is money that the federal government will send to tax payers.

      Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
      A. From tax payers.

      Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
      A. Only a smidgen of it.

      Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
      A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

      Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
      A. Shut up.

      Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
      * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
      * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
      * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
      * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala..
      * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
      * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
      * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

      Instead, keep the money in America by:

      1) Spending it at yard sales, or
      2) Going to ball games, or
      3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
      4) Beer, or
      5) Tattoos.

      (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

      Conclusion :
      Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
      No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
    • Australians are known to be pretty laid back people, which is surprising considering their wild life contains thousands of ways for them to get poisoned, eaten or injured. Still, they maintain their happy-go-lucky ways despite this fact, and even have a good sense of humor about it. There's no doubt Australia is a unique place, and so travellers to Australia, especially to the outback, should be aware they might run into the following scenes........
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    • 2. Teil
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    • Kind of Aussiejoke sweating-squared

      I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended
      up this way.
      He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my
      clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had
      TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
      I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even
      had full medical and dental coverage."

      I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

      "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no. I just got out of prison..."
    • A real Australian bushies understanding of computer jargon


      Rural Australian Computer Terminology

      LOG ON:
      Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter.

      LOG OFF:
      Not adding any more wood to the Barbie.

      MONITOR:
      Keeping an eye on the Barbie.

      DOWNLOAD:
      Getting the firewood off the Ute.

      HARD DRIVE:
      Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

      KEYBOARD:
      Where you hang the Ute keys.

      WINDOWS:
      What you shut when the weather's cold.

      SCREEN:
      What you shut in the mozzie season.

      BYTE:
      What mozzies do.

      MEGABYTE:
      What Townsville mozzies do.

      CHIP:
      A bar snack.

      MICROCHIP:
      What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

      MODEM:
      What you did to the lawns.

      LAPTOP:
      Where the cat sleeps.

      SOFTWARE:
      Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.

      HARDWARE:
      Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

      MOUSE:
      The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

      MAINFRAME:
      What holds the shed up.

      WEB:
      What spiders make.

      WEBSITE:
      Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

      SEARCH ENGINE:
      What you do when the Ute won't go.

      CURSOR:
      What you say when the Ute won't go.

      YAHOO:
      What you say when the Ute does go.

      UPGRADE:
      A steep hill.

      SERVER:
      The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

      MAIL SERVER:
      The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

      USER:
      The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

      NETWORK:
      What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

      INTERNET:
      Where you want the fish to go.

      NETSCAPE:
      What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.


      ONLINE:
      Where you hang the washing.

      OFFLINE:
      Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough