I want u 2 smile

Three bushies were sitting around a campfire one night when one bloke started complaining about his useless cattle dog.

"I'd give $100 to anybody who can make him do anything on command," he spat. "Watch this."

The bloke commanded the dog to sit, roll over and play dead, all with no result.

The second bushie said, "Give me a go."

He commanded the dog to sit, roll over and play dead, all with no result. After an hour he gave up in disgust.

The third bushie stands up and says, "I'll take that $100."

Then he grabs the dog, throws him into the campfire and yells, "Get out of there, boy!"

A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian coast while they were diving, he spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.The Sarge says..."Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".

"Well," says the bloke..."I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"

The Sarge says..."I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead, young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef, he got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn, but after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says..."Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks...They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an wind and all that...... So what's the other possible good news?

"Well", the Sarge says..."if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again...

Three guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Foster's.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Foster's you are'."

A Fremantle fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Fremantle jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter in an Eagles scarf.

"Hello, mate," says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Fremantle fans in heaven."

"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard. No Fremantle fans."

"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Fremantle supporter.

"Oh, really?" says St Peter. "What have you done then?"

"Well," says the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa."

"Oh," says St Peter. "Anything else?"

"Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the homeless."

"Hmmm. Anything else?"

"Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans."

"Okay," says St Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."

Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He looks the bloke In the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your sixty bucks back, now p i s s o f f."

cheers mate, my cowboy 'll love them !

mfg,
angie

A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west. No electricity, no phones - no company.
He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored. One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand.
"Hello mate, I'm your closest neighbour, live about 20 miles up the road, thought we'd chuck ya a bash to welcome you to the area"
"Sounds great" says the ad-man.
"I hear you city boys like your drugs and drink so we'll get that in for ya."
"Sounds awesome" says the ad-man
"we tend to get a bit punchie and horny 'round here after all those drugs & drink though, can ya handle yerself if a blue kicks off or a bit of sex is on the cards?"
"I go alright" say the ad-man
"this all sounds great, what time should I come and what should I wear?"
"Doesn't really mattter" says the bushie "it is only going to be you and me".......

One day, Bill the duck hunter was out on the border of New South
Wales and Victoria shooting ducks. He was having a really good
day, he'd already bagged 6 or 7 ducks and a park ranger came up
to him.

"Did you realise that its not duck season in Victoria anymore
mate." said the ranger.

"I shot these ducks in New South Wales!" Bill replied swiftly.

The ranger then said, "Thats irrelivant if the ducks are from
Victoria, throw me one of the ducks, im an expert and i'll be
able to tell you if its from Victoria, or New South Wales."

Bill, thinking that the Ranger was a bit of a goose, obliged and
threw him the first duck. The ranger then proceeded to part the
ducks tail feathers, and then jammed his index finger straight
up the ducks arse. He then sniffed his finger and called back,

"That one is ok, its from New South Wales, send me the second
one."

Bill laughed and sent him the second duck purley out of
interest. The ranger did the same routine again, and when he
sniffed his finger, he called back,

"This duck is from Victoria, im going to have to report you."

"You're kidding aren't you mate" said Bill "You can't possibly
tell from that!"

"Trust me, im an expert" calls the ranger "Now, what was your
name?"

"Bill Smith"

"And where are you from Bill?"

"Richmond"

"Richmond Victoria, or Richmond New South Wales?"

Bill then proceeded to un-do his belt, drop his daks, and
called back

"You're the fucken expert, you tell me!"

i like it

Bruce, a middle-aged Australian tourist, visits the red light district of Amsterdam and enters a large brothel. It's his first time in Europe.

The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the prospective client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams and runs away!

Seeing this, the Madam sends a more experienced lady over to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear and she screams and runs away!

The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola,would do!

Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn't done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams louder than the previous two and runs away! Madam is by now, absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel.

She asks, "What did you want to do, to make them run away like that?"

Bruce said: "I just asked if I can pay in Australian Dollars".

sorry i dont get it *shame shame*
please explain mozzie.

what would you expect from a man wanted to pay in Australien Dollar?

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth Day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with, so God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie.

Evening came and it was the end of the Seventh day.

God sighed, looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes and Sheilas, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns, and God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good.

IT WAS AUSTRALIA

imaginin ozzis callin their women sheilas

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked, and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says, "but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo... I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

okay okay i got that one

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie....

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can Ifollow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise.(Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. .... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?