An American in Australia

nee keen spinner. eben ein aussie

The American, worried about his general health goes to a healthy living lecture offered by the local Red Cross Organization. his Aussie mate comes along for company, not taking this whole thing very seriously, as Aussies do.

Of course when the Red Cross representative starts talking about exercise, the Aussie mate turns the subject to sex, as Aussies do, making to be the big expert. The speaker ignores the Aussie mate for a while, but then in an attempt to keep him quiet asks the audience "How many different positions do you people know?" Some members of the audience put up their hands, and asking one after the other, the speaker get answers like "Four" or "Six" or "Three", one chap even says "Eight!!".

The Aussie mate is all excited and keep shouting "53! 53!! 53..". The Red Cross speaker just ignores him, and points to the American, who seems quite shy. The American timidly says "Oh, just one, I suppose, the missionary's position...the guy on top..you know..".

The Aussie mate now gets even more excited and shouts "54!! yes 54! I know 54!!!"

The American has been studying ventriloquism, and then takes time out to tour the outback to see more the "real" Australia. Hiring a 4x4 and after traveling over 1000 km along dusty roads, he comes across a small shack. Sitting outside the shack is a typical Australian sheep herder, with his trusty Blue Heeler alongside him.

The American stops and says hello. The Aussie sneers back "F... off!" So, the American thinks he'll teach the Aussie a thing or two. "Does your dog talk?" he asks. "No it f..... don’t" replies the Aussie. "Hi doggie" says the American, smiling at the dog, "How’s life with you?" And, throwing his voice, the reply comes back from the dog. "I’m fine, thanks. My master treats me well, feeds me every a day and lets me do as I please when I’m not working the sheep." The Aussie is gobsmacked.

Turning towards the Aussie’s horse the American says, "Does your horse talk?" "Course it f..... don’t" sneers the Aussie. Looking towards the horse, the American says "Hi Mr Horse, how’s things with you today?" Throwing his voice the American got the horse to reply "Oh, I’m alright, thank you. Life here is pretty lonesome, but I’m fed and watered every day and my master rides me when he’s tending his sheep, so I get plenty of exercise." The Aussie is dumbstruck, and the American is loving it.

"Oh", says the American, "here’s a sheep. Does it talk?" The Aussie shifts his gaze towards the sheep and says "Not to me, but if it talks to you, don’t believe a f..... word it says!"

The American, a Pommie and an Aussie were sitting naked in the sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his arm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Pommie lifted his palm to his ear and spoke briefly into it. When he finished he explained, "That was mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Aussie felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his backside.

The others raised their eyebrows...

"Will you look at that," said the Aussie "I'm getting a fax!"

The American is walking through a small town in the Outback. He is looking for the town pub. He asks a local Aussie passing by which is the quickest way to the pub. The Aussie asks him "Are you walking or driving?" The American says "I'm driving." "Well, that's the quickest way" says the Aussie and continues on his way...

The American decides to open up a funeral business.

A man who just died is delivered to him wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The American asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the American a blank check and says, "I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the American "Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the American presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge" he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma’am," the American says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

The American was hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him.

Suddenly a car stopped next to him. Without thinking, he got in and closed the door, just to realize that there was nobody behind the steering wheel. The car moved off slowly. He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road. Scared, he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified. Just before hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel. The man, now paralyzed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve. Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights he could see.

Wet and in shock, he went into a pub and asked for a double brandy. After drinking it, he told everyone of the horrible experience he just had. Everyone was silent when they realized he was crying.

About half an hour later, two men came walking into the pub and, on seeing the terrified man, the one said to the other, "Davo, isn't that the idiot that got into the car while we were pushing?"

The American was driving down a freeway, his car mobile phone rings. It's one of his new Australian friends, urgently warning him, "I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the Ipswich Freeway heading west. Just be really careful!"

"Hell," says the American, "It's not just one car, it's hundreds of them!"

An Aussie and his mate man were sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea."

Well, the Aussie gets back on his bar stool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor."That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.

The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f*ckin' crowbar from Bunnings."

The American walks into a Sydney unemployment office.

He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Howdy! I want to apply for the dole, I hate being on welfare and I'd much rather have a job but I have looked everywhere and just can't find any."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says: "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who needs a chauffeur/bodyguard for his two twin 21 year old nymphomaniac daughters. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. You'll have a three-bedroom apartment above the garage. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort his daughters on their frequent overseas holidays to Tahiti and the Bahamas. The starting salary is $250,000 a year".

The American says, "No way mate, you gotta be bullshitting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

An Aussie bloke was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when the American, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Aussie politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Aussie frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "of course, mate!"

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia ."

The American had a smirk on his face. The Aussie listened in silence.
The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Aussie replied, "yeah mate, of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said "Why of course we do." The Aussie leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"'We throw them away, of course!" said the American.

Now it was the Aussie's turn to smile.

"We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"