Jokes & Cartoons

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

19. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went bonkers

20. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

21. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying:"All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all off you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we´re going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son:"We don´t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say."All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue:"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added:"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Der is so cooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool

I was laughing my ass off

LG
Ela

English is a funny language

1. Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

2. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

3. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese?

4. Doesn't it seem that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

5. If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

6. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

7. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

8. Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

9. Have noses that run and feet that smell?

10. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

11. How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

12. How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

13. Why do we park in driveways but drive on parkways?

14. Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?

15. Have you ever seen a horsefull carriage or a strapfull gown?

16. Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

17. Disgruntled, unruly, or impeccable are commonly used terms. But have you ever run into someone who was gruntled, ruly or peccable?

18. And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?

19. You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

20. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

21. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.

22. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!