An American in Australia

An American catches the GHAN from Adelaide to Darwin. He gets off at Alice to have a look around, and then gets back on the train.

When he gets to his compartment, an elderly lady has taken his seat, and put her dog on the last empty seat next to her. The American politely asks if she can please put the dog on the floor so he can have the seat. The elderly woman just shakes her head.

So the American starts walking up and down the train looking for another vacant seat, but the train is full, and there isn't one. He gets back to he compartment, and again asks the woman to please remove the dog from the seat, he is tired and needs to sit down. The woman refuses.

The American walks up and down the train again, but still can't find a seat, so in desperation he returns and asks the woman a third time for the seat. She still refuses. He loses his temper, grabs the dog, throws it out of the window, and sits down.

An old Aussie sitting opposite him slowly shakes his head, leans over to the American and says: "You Americans... You do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road. You eat with the work in the wrong hand. And now you throw the wrong bitch out of the window!"

ha ha ha very funny

lg Michi

yeah bloody yanks !!!!!!

The American decides to visits a small Outback town. He gets off at the station of this tiny one-horse town with no horse. It is already getting dark, and he is looking for something to do. He asks the baggage handler at the station "Is there a place in town where I could, er, you know, have some fun with a nice young lady?

The baggage handler yawns, points down the only town street, and says: "See the last street lamp, just behind it you will find a small house with a rusty tin roof. Will cost you $50 though." Then he points up the other way, and says: "See at the end of the street: There is a Nunnery. You can go there too, but it will cost you $300."

The American thinks "$50 that's nice and cheap, but for $300..., I've never had a nun before, wow, I need to try that." And off he goes.

At the end of the town street he knocks on the door of the nunnery. Mother Superior opens the door. The American starts to stutter "I heard that I could find some company at th.." The Mother Superior cuts him short with a curt "Yes that will be $300. Cash, upfront."

The American pulls out his wallet, takes out the $300 and hands the money over. Mother Superior takes the money, points down a passage and says "Listen carefully now: You follow this passage to the end, turn right, follow that passage until the second last door on the left. Go through the door, follow that passage to the last door on the right. Just go through that door."

The American nods, and walks down the passage, turns right, gets to the second last door on the left, walks through the door, follows another passage to the last door on the right, walks through that door. The door slams shut behind him. He finds himself outside, and the door has no handle to open and get back in. Instead, there is a brass plaque on the wall with an inscription reading "YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE NUNS OF NAZARETH"

nice idea for a business must be a pretty rich nunnery

This American goes to live in the Outback with a remote tribe, working as a missionary.

After a little over a year, the Tribal Chief's wife has a baby with a suspiciously white skin colour. The Chief is a bit upset, and looks up the missionary to discuss this baby with the light skin colour. The American sits and listens to the chief, and then calmly says to him "It's just a fluke of nature. This happens once in a while. You see that heard of goats over there? You'll see that one of the goats is black while all the others are white. Again, just a fluke of nature."

The Chief sits and thinks for a while and then says "Ok, I'll keep quiet about the white baby, if you keep quiet about the goats."

The American decides to move back into a town. He is lonely, so he decides to buy a parrot from a pet shop. This parrot has been in another home before, and the pet shop owner warns the American that this parrot's language often leaves something to be desired, and can get embarrassing in front of visitors.

The American takes the bird home, and puts him in a cage in a room. There is an open window and the door to the room is also open. A gust of wind slams the door shut. The parrot gets a big fright, and says "Bugger, Damn it!!".

The American comes back into the room and says to the parrot "Stop this swearing, now!" Walks out of the room, but leaves the door open again. Another gust of wind, and the door slams again. The parrot gets another big fright, and says "Shit! Shit! Bugger me sideways!!"

The American rushes into the room and says "Ok, Ill have to teach you a lesson now. I'm going to put you into my fridge for 15 minutes to chill out." And he shoves the parrot into the fridge. After 15 minutes the parrot gets put back in his cage, the American leaves the room and again doesn't shut the door. Another gust of wind, hard one this time, the door slams, the parrot gets a huge fright and falls off his perch. He is so upset he lets go a string of profanities "Bugger, dammit @#$!!**@!!"

The American returns, now worried about this Australian parrot's behaviour, takes him and says "Now I'm going to really teach you a lesson. You are now going into my freezer for 20 Minutes." And with that he puts the parrot into his freezer.

Shivering away inside the freezer, the parrot notices a frozen chicken in the bottom of the freezer. He looks at the chicken thoughtfully and says "Dear me, you must have said Fuck".

just love it *bloody hell* denkst du dir das selber aus ?

Bin nicht zur Schule gegangen, hab Darts gespielt in der Pub...

ich seh schon... und einarmige bandits und so weiter...ach ja und den klöstern hste sicher auch oft besuch abgestattet wie ??

Hab in einem Kloster gewohnt, mich als Nonne verkleidet, das war lustig...

The American tries his hand at farming in the Outback. He get some cattle, sheep and chooks. What he doesn't have is a decent cockerel. One day at an auction he splashes out and buys a cockerel for $2000.

He takes the cockerel home and lets him loose among the chickens. But this animal does nothing, just sits in a corner by itself. No Action. After a few days he takes it to a vet. The vet reckons some highly bred cockerels do this, but he has some tablets that he can give to the cockerel, he must just give him a half a tablet daily, this will sort him out.

Back at the station the American takes a tablet and cuts it in half. But then he is so fed up at the cockerel's lazy attitude that he impatiently decides to stick 10 tablets down the cockerels throat.

After a few minutes the cockerel gets really active, races around the chickens, and does them all. After 30 minutes there are 400 exhausted chickens, but the cockerel is still going. The American leaves and goes to his homestead.

The cockerel is not satisfied with the chooks. He gets out of the chicken run, and goes after the sheep, and bangs the lot. Then he goes after the cattle, it's just dreadful.

Later that day the American come out of his house to find the cockerel gone. Worried that he overdid the dosage he starts driving all over his station (farm) to find the bird. After much searching he sees an eagle circling in the sky, and the American thinks this eagle is looking to take his cockerel. He carries on driving, and eventually finds the cockerel, stumbling along, falling down, getting up, stumbling few aces, and falling down again.

The American jumps out of his ute in a panic, and rushes up to his $2000 bird, finds it on the ground, motionless. As he tries to bend down and pick it up, the cockerel opens one eye, looks at the American, and furiously hisses "Bugger...off...will...you!! Shit, I almost had that eagle down on the ground!!"

i'd say he's worth his 2000 bucks

ha ha ha.. I like that one

P.. myself laughing

Cheers

The American feels he has to do something for the community he is living in. So he joins the local church. He even becomes a member of the church commitee. In an effort to hide his American accent he stutters, quite badly in fact.

The church is in a poor way financially. One Sunday after the service, the committee discusses how to raise some funds. After discussing all sorts of ideas, one committee member suggests they should try the old method again, namely selling bibles. One committee member volunteers to do the rounds the following week, and armed with a box of bibles and good intentions, he sets out to make some money. It did not go well.

After the service the following Sunday, the committee meets again. They ask the volunteer how did his selling of bibles go. "Not good, only sold four" he says, "I went to an area where people were not so well off, and they all told me they had no money for a bible."

Another person volunteers, saying the previous guy just chose a bad area. The following week he sets out with a box of bibles, but his luck was even worse.

Again after the Sunday service the church committee gets together. "How many bible did you sell?" " Two." was the tired and despondent answer. "But you went to the expensive part of town, what happened?" "They all complained they had to pay off their big house, their pools, their 4x4s, an nobody had any money left for a bible."

So the American volunteered, stuttering "I I...I w..w...will g..g.g..give it a..a..a..a t..t..try!". "You're wasting your time" the committee suggested, but the American was not to be put off. The next week he went thrugh the town with a box of bibles.

The following Sunday, the committee meets again after the service, discussing their hopeless financial situation. "How did you do?" the committee asked. "Oh, I I.I..did.di....did...did Ok, I sssssold 1238 bib..bib..bibles." The committee was stunned. This was thousands of dollars in revenue. "But how on earth did you do it?" the committee wanted to know. "W..w...w..well I..I..I.....I..kn..nn.nnnnocked.onthedoor..a.a..and..and..ask..ask..asked: Ddd.d.ddo..you.w..w..huh..wwant.t.o..huh...huh..buy.a.bib..bib...bible, or or or..sh..sh..sssssssshall.I.I.rrrread it t.t...t.t...to you?"

just love them all, cheers mate *träne wegwisch* !!!!!!!!

The American is sick and tired of being looked at funny when he talks, so he goes to an Australian language course, where he learns that a boot can also mean that big compartment under the bonnet of car.

He studies hard to perfect his Australian vocabulary and accent. After a year he is back in Brisbane, walking along Queen Street Mall. He walks into a shop and says in his best Australian: "G'day, could youse sell me a loaf of bread?" The woman behind the counter looks at him and says "You're American, aren't you?"

Well, the American is devastated. After all the training, and now this. "How on earth could yo tell?" he asks the saleslady. She smiles and says: "This is a jewelry shop!"

am boden lieg....

The American goes to a pub, there is a Kiwi and an Aussie at the bar counter. The barmaid is a hottie, so they all try and get her attention. The Kiwi reckons he comes from Wellington area and has a farm with 200 000 sheep. So the American tells of a farm he had near Houston Texas with 100 000 cattle. The Aussie tells her that he is from Sydney and his is 12 inches long.

The barmaid gets a bit fed up, and tells them the one thing she hates is guys that bullshit to try and impress girls.

The blokes go a bit quiet, and then the Kiwi apologizes and says that in fact he only has 20 000 sheep. Whereupon the American also apologizes, admitting he only had 5000 cattle. The Aussie sits for while, nods, also apologizes, saying he is not really from Sydney but from Dubbo.